The Not So Bright Side of Life – Surviving Childhood Abuse

I am a survivor of child abuse.

I know I usually write something uplifting in this blog, but over the last few days I was forced to confront a situation that made me think back to a time, I do not want to recall. You see, my abuser has passed last year, and now his enabler decides that she needs me in her time of sickness. I am supposed to be the good little daughter, whom stands by her side.

But I am not that.

I feel like screaming into the empty space around me, screaming at her how dare she asks for me to help her? Where was she when I needed her? Where was her protection, the fearlessness that I feel when I look at my children, the willingness to die for them, if anyone would dare to do them harm?

Guilt –  is a weapon that is used by many abusers and their enablers to remain in control. Because that is what abuse is about, control, a need to show power over someone that is younger and vonurable. Guilting the victim into doing what they need them to do, to satisfy their needs. In their mind it is always about them.

What she does not count on are two things:

I am no longer a child and I am no longer a victim.

I am a survivor, a mother, a successful business woman, a writer, a motivator, a healer, a wife, and a daughter-in-law. I am free and I am stronger because of what I survived.

To this day, my husband, the champion of my life, my rescuer, and constant believer in me, does not know how much I actually went through. He will never know. I will never tell. And the details do no longer matter. Because they have lost its power.

So, why am I writing this? Because I feel the need for closure, a public statement of saying Goodbye to a family I no longer can have in my life, and a turn toward those who need me instead. It is a good bye to a woman who instead of protecting me, was jealous of the attention “her” man gave me. Not an attention any little girl wants.

Forgiving is not about letting the abusers and their helpers win, it is about acknowledging what happened, saying your piece and moving on, away, without anymore ties to that past. It is allowing yourself and them to move on, without each other, without any more power exchange.

Instead of screaming, I am letting go, I am allowing her to find her piece, but not with me, without me. I can live with my choice. She needs to learn to live with hers. And die with it.

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Don’t Shoot The Messenger

Don't Shoot The Messenger

As I work more and more with Law of Attraction and Gratitude, I have come to the conclusion that I have to learn one very important lesson:

Be aware of the message, while not judging the messenger.

Often I asked for answers to questions, that I am stuck on, and when the Universe answers, it does not always answer through a person whom I particularly enjoy, or in a package I totally agree with. For example, I have been reading a book on promoting one’s writing, and the book ended up being a shameless plug of the Author’s own services and companies. It pissed me off at first, so much so, that I did not want to look at the fact that some of what she is writing are actually worthwhile tips. But than I remembered to asked:

Does it really matter what her motives where, or if she actually been as successful as she claimed (which a quick Google search proofed to be wrong), if what she is saying has partially merit?

No, it does not, because I can take from that book or from any other message I receive the parts that I need, and be grateful for them, rather than wallow in the fact, that the person who wrote it, or brought it to me, does not live up to my standards. That is my problem, not theirs, and that judgment will only take me away from the potential gain – for one, the gain of insight and secondly, the opportunity to be grateful.

My responds will determine what I can do with whatever I have been given. By not “shooting the messenger”, I can actually focus on the message, and learn, grow and use the principles that I have dedicated my life to studying, and practicing.

Nervous Excitement – A Daily Prompt Post

Wedding Day – A Haiku

nervous excitement
her big day approaching fast
flowers in her hair

 

Today we where asked the following from Daily Prompt:

It’s the night before an important event: a big exam, a major presentation, your wedding. How do you calm your nerves in preparation for the big day?

That depends on what the occasion is. Would you really want to miss the part of the tingling, nervous butterflies that come with good news, such as when you are about to get married, or go on the trip of a lifetime, or move into the house of your dreams?

I think not! This excitement is not something to mask or get over, but to savor. After all it is a milestone that often is only reached after time and energy spend, after careful planning, after many actions that brought you to the point, right before the realization of a dream.

Savoring and relishing in that moment of being at the brink of greatness – in which ever form it expresses itself – is a blessings. It is a chance to be grateful for having made it this far, and a chance to hope for many more moments in your life, just like it it.

What is your approach to a big, important event? What do you think about the nervous excitement that comes with it, and how do you deal with it?

Here is what others wrote on the subject today:

http://sugarcoatingsince91.wordpress.com/2014/10/04/music-as-expected/

http://badosto.wordpress.com/2014/10/04/daily-prompt-big-day-ahead/

http://guthonestfaith.wordpress.com/2014/10/04/no-way/

http://tombalistreri.wordpress.com/2014/10/04/calm-before-the-storm/